Life has been anything but easy the last year. I filed for divorce from my husband last July after enduring 16 years of verbal and emotional abuse--not only toward me, but to my children as well. In October, I was unexpectedly laid off from my job. One of the biggest blessings I received was a job offer less than two months later from a company only 3 miles from my house. I have been richly blessed not only in getting the job, but I have received a lot of positive visibility in the 4 months I have been there, and as such, as part of a reorganization, I am inheriting more direct reports and the opportunity to build a team with new processes.
This has put a lot of additional stress on me, as I feel that I now need to work that much harder to keep the trust that people have in me. This morning I woke up and was so incredibly tired. Everywhere I went in the house, I saw clutter. In the back of my mind, I tried to figure out when I would get to the grocery store and when I would have time to clean my house. And, by the way, I need to do some shopping, because I've gained so much weight none of my clothes fit. But, I don't have the money to buy any clothes, because I just had to pay an additional $3,500 attorney retainer fee to a new divorce attorney, because my last one wasn't doing a thing after $8,000 of fees. I was brought to tears several times today when I would start to think about everything that is on my plate, and the blessings that God has so richly given me, slowly fade in my mind.
So I stop and think...what if I didn't have this job? What if they hated the work I was doing? What if I didn't have my daughter around to leave the clutter? What if I didn't have a house to live in? One of the reasons I am so busy is because I spend my time as a parent running my daughter to her activities. She's a phenomenal trumpet player at age 14...another blessing from God. In addition, God has placed some very influential people in her life that will be a benefit to her should she decide to pursue a music performance career.
In summary, I listed my blessings, but also did some reflecting by looking in the mirror. The person I see is suffering from stress and the consequence is taking its toll on me by making me feel sad, lonely and anxious. My time with The Lord vanished this week, because I was too busy. Lord, I know something needs to give in my life. It's clear to me that trying to do it all is taking me away from You, and instead of being thankful for everything you have done for me and given me, I am wallowing in self pity. Open my eyes, Lord, and bring me closer to You, and give me peace.
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